FSL Player Focus – Alex Alpha
By Hingle McCringleberry
Belfast wing forward Alex Alpha is the subject of our forth FSL Player Focus. The overweight Italian is one of our longest serving user players, beginning with FSL in Season 7. This Season he was sent on loan to a poor Nottingham squad by Bristol Bridge, before being recalled for his mental health and sent to Belfast in the Winter.
Who are you? “Good evening my name is Alex Alpha and I am from Italy but with some Slav roots. I’m a devout Muslim and my favourite meals are pork and pussy. My position (when not behind the reporter’s mother) is LW even though the manager has been recently playing me LB (left back on the bench). While my position may be Left Wing I can confirm that my political views are quite the opposite. I’m a one skill merchant who can only shoot with his right but weirdly enough I can only jerk off with my left hand.”
What is your background? “I was raised on the mean streets of Udine. Every day I had to walk 10 miles in the rain to reach the hotel room where I was seeing Owens mother. It was rough, sometimes I had to book two rooms because that cow of a woman was way too fat- sorry I get distracted sometimes. When I was a kid, I couldn’t afford a PlayStation so all I could play with was with a football and Scooter McGavin’s wife’s tits, which was hard because she’s as flat as the earth.”
What are your current career aspirations? “I am gonna be honest I couldn’t care less about football anymore, my dream is to become a popular call of duty youtuber, I am only playing here for the money and free exposure be sure to subscribe to”- cuts off mic – sorry everyone, you get a warning for promoting other content on FSL Platforms.
What kind of legacy would you like to leave on FSL? “Well as I’ve said before this isn’t about the money for me, I care about the sport and the fans dearly and if it were up to me I’d do it for free, hopefully they will remember me and the dream is for one day to have kids wanting to copy my haircut, in fact I believe I have already had a big impact in several children. The other day I was passing by a children’s hospital and saw so many kids with my same haircut, of course some doctors tried telling me it was because of the chemo, but deep down we all knew that was just a lie.”
Any additional notes? “Yeah your mother is wondering what you want for dinner, is left over KFC okay?”
Two Seasons, Four Teams, it’s hard to think of a more forgettable player than Alex Alpha. We’ll see where Bristol send him next, and he’ll be lucky to avoid Division 2 in my opinion.
Alpha has one goal and one assist across 1123 minutes in 20 league and cup games this season.
